My late great-great-grandmother’s uncle Meredith once told me that a secret shared is a secret no more. Given the sensitivity of the information I am about to disclose I trust you will do everything in your power to prove him wrong in this instance.
In the course of last week I was confronted with a sequence of disconcerting events that require your urgent attention. It all started on Tuesday, September 4, at about 07:14 p.m CET as I was heading home on the subway. Sitting opposite me was a pregnant woman in her early 30s carrying a toothpick, a floral patterned lamp shade and an electromagnetic metaparticle transmitter. At that time, of course, I didn’t think much of it and I didn’t even bother to take a picture of the peculiar device. It was only the day after that I came to regret this.
You see, an incident with a pint of ice cream in early July has earned me a beautiful backyard which requires ongoing care and attention. Anyway, as I stepped out into the sweltering heat of the night on Wednesday, September 5, I suddenly stood face to face with my worst childhood nightmare. It was already dark outside, but I instinctively recognized the smell of burning motor oil along with the ominous roar of a mean old single cylinder four stroke engine and I could sense its hideous intentions through the inky blackness. It was terrifying. Then all of a sudden it moved closer, its wheels groaning and squeaking like a rusty teeter-totter. My fear was confirmed when an unmanned caterpillar-yellow lawnmower emerged from the shadows. I wanted to run, but my feet were glued to the ground. What happened next was disturbing to say the least. Rather than attacking, the machine started shaking violently and within seconds it had vanished into the earth, leaving nothing but a muddy patch in the lawn. As the night fell silent again I inevitably thought of that woman on the subway and the electromagnetic metaparticle transmitter she had been carrying.
The sun had risen early on Thursday, September 6, and at 06:38 a.m. CET I was on my way to the Annual National Peanut Butter Conference when I was held up by a traffic jam on Bernauer Straße. After sitting around for a while I abandoned my vehicle in order to find out what was going on up ahead. It turned out that traffic lanes were blocked in both directions – not by an accident or an Occupy demonstration or because another World War II bomb had been exposed. No, the road was blocked by dozens upon dozens of lawnmowers. Lawnmowers stretching as far as the eye could see. The scene was one of general confusion, with police officers all around trying to keep order in the chaos. At one point I swear I caught a glimpse of an electromagnetic metaparticle transmitter carrying a pregnant woman wearing a floral patterned lamp shade on her head.
On Friday, September 7, Berlin newspapers reported a large-scale practical joke involving significant quantities of motorized garden equipment. Now of course I know everyone likes to pull a prank every once in a while and I am the first to understand that. This, however, was most definitely not the work of a bunch of 7th grade clowns. Something else is going on and I don’t like it one bit. I have kept the things I’ve seen for myself until this day so as not to cause a mass panic, but I strongly urge you to look into the matter as global security might be at stake. In the unlikely event that the CIA or any of its strategic partners are actually involved in this, I insist upon an explanation.
P.S.: Donations for the upkeep of my garden are more than welcome. Account details available on request.
Stay tuned for CIA’s reaction…