Delivery Hero – A large cardboard box

Dear Delivery Hero,

I woke up with a strong craving for pizza this morning so I figured I’d go wild and try your internationally renowned food and beverage delivery service. A cheerful, user-friendly website and a lightning fast order confirmation made for a most enjoyable customer experience. Less than 20 minutes later the doorbell rang and I was greeted by a smiling delivery boy carrying a large cardboard box.

Tinder – It’s a Match!

Dear Tinder,

Believe it or not, I have been a passionate devotee of your mobile matchmaking software since the commercialisation of the World Wide Web in the mid-90s. When it comes to code quality, speed, ease of use and entertainment factor, Tinder is second to none, as my late grand-uncle used to say.

Levi – How is it pronounced?

Every fortnight my buddies and I
Argue about it for hours on end;
Sipping our tea and chewing our pie
We squabble, quibble, dispute and contend.

Sonim Technologies – We present The Sonim Text Message Jingle Song

Dear Sonim Technologies,

I have never really been that good at keeping track of time, but based on the magnetic moment of the Moon I believe it has been roughly a year since I took the proverbial leap of faith and purchased the widely acclaimed IP-68 certified XP1300 Core. As a firefighter and seasoned outdoor enthusiast I had almost made peace with the idea that no phone on this planet was built just for me. Having previously owned thirteen (13!) mobile phones in just as many years, I cannot begin to tell you how satisfied I am with this remarkable device of unprecedented ruggedness. 

Willie’s Cacao – Hacienda Las Trincheras

Dear Willie, 

I have been a passionate advocate of your first-rate cacao products for as long as arctic foxes have walked the face of the planet. Hardly ever have I seen anyone use the words chocolate manufacturer and visionary in the same sentence, but you have successfully translated your revolutionary ideas into an astonishing array of miraculous flavours and textures, which I – along with thousands of other true chocolate aficionados – am ever so grateful for.

WordPress – Dear Happiness Engineers

Dear Happiness Engineers,

There are online publishing platforms aplenty, none of which could ever hope to compete with the awe-inspiring beauty of WordPress. I originally came to this conclusion while attending the opening of the Covington-Cincinnati Suspension Bridge as far back as early January 1867. It was the year U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward purchased Alaska from the Russian Empire, marking a major turning point in arctic ice fishing history.

While I could dig deeper into the geography of Alaska and tell you about the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or the formidable Aleutian Islands in the southwest, I would, for the sake of conciseness, rather return to my point, which is really a question. 

Bunny Labour

Feeling lonely? Surrounded? Outnumbered? A champagne cork and a handful of plastic are all it takes to rig up a little friend / servant / slave / partner in crime. Happy holidays to all!

Cupcake Berlin: Hail to The King, Baby!

Dear Cupcake Berlin,

I have been a devoted and passionate advocate for your baked delicacies for as long as man has walked the face of Earth. Perhaps unsurprisingly so, considering that the scrumptious cupcakes you produce are nearly as beautifully styled as your adorable sales crew. To walk past the pink signboard above your pastry shop on Krossener Straße and not buy anything is a challenge I may never beat no matter how hard I try to resist the call of the cupcake.

That said, I am afraid I have a minor complaint. Being a sucker for anything Oreo related as I am, I have been trying hard to get a taste of your Cookies ‘n’ Cream flavored cupcakes for the last six weeks or so. You might think this should be easy as pie to accomplish but let me tell you, I have never been faced with a more daunting task. 

The Axe Effect

Dear Unilever,

My ears will glow purple every time a pretty woman comes across my path. I absolutely adore women. I love how their hair smells like strawberries, dandelions and newborn butterflies. I delight in the way their eyes flicker about the tiny Bengali grocery store around the corner on gloomy Saturday mornings. Quite unfortunately, if I may say so, I don’t appear to have a way with women. I am terrified to look them in the eyes. Their mere presence makes my palms and toes go all twitchy and sweaty. Did I mention women actually make my ears glow purple? Yes, well, they do. That said, it may come as no surprise to you that I recently ended up resorting to your long-celebrated brand of aerosol body sprays.

Based on what I had heard and read in the media, I was reasonably confident that this so-called “Axe Effect” was going to be the ultimate answer to my particular situation. After six days of extensive research, I decided that the fragrant power of Dark Temptation was most likely to be able to transform me into the irresistible icon of raw masculinity I strove to be and help me conquer my very own Susan Glenn. So off I ran to the nearest drugstore. 

Dear CIA – What’s going on?

 

Dear Central Intelligence Agency,

My late great-great-grandmother’s uncle Meredith once told me that a secret shared is a secret no more. Given the sensitivity of the information I am about to disclose I trust you will do everything in your power to prove him wrong in this instance.

In the course of last week I was confronted with a sequence of disconcerting events that require your urgent attention. It all started on Tuesday, September 4, at about 07:14 p.m CET as I was heading home on the subway. Sitting opposite me was a pregnant woman in her early 30s carrying a toothpick, a floral patterned lamp shade and an electromagnetic metaparticle transmitter. At that time, of course, I didn’t think much of it and I didn’t even bother to take a picture of the peculiar device. It was only the day after that I came to regret this.