My ears will glow purple every time a pretty woman comes across my path. I absolutely adore women. I love how their hair smells like strawberries, dandelions and newborn butterflies. I delight in the way their eyes flicker about the tiny Bengali grocery store around the corner on gloomy Saturday mornings. Quite unfortunately, if I may say so, I don’t appear to have a way with women. I am terrified to look them in the eyes. Their mere presence makes my palms and toes go all twitchy and sweaty. Did I mention women actually make my ears glow purple? Yes, well, they do. That said, it may come as no surprise to you that I recently ended up resorting to your long-celebrated brand of aerosol body sprays.
Based on what I had heard and read in the media, I was reasonably confident that this so-called “Axe Effect” was going to be the ultimate answer to my particular situation. After six days of extensive research, I decided that the fragrant power of Dark Temptation was most likely to be able to transform me into the irresistible icon of raw masculinity I strove to be and help me conquer my very own Susan Glenn. So off I ran to the nearest drugstore.
One thing I noticed upon applying the product for the first time was how passersby in the store – and that’s men and women alike – would slow down, scan me from head to toe, and move on with a wink and a smile, and immediately I felt my confidence grow. At that pivotal point in my life, I could have become a long-time fan of the Axe brand. Unfortunately, however, things turned out quite differently.
As soon as I stepped out the door, a flock of noisy birds swooped down on my shoulders and started pecking at my ears. Seconds later, my trousers and shoes were being violently torn apart by a pack of rabid dogs which appeared to have emerged out of nowhere. As much as I wanted to flee, moving was slow and painful. Things took a turn for the worse when I was suddenly overpowered by a horde of women. They were quick, nimble, and insane with passion. Some of them set about collecting bits of my clothes or kissing my armpits and lower legs, whereas others turned their attention to the birds and the dogs. After what must have been another three minutes, two identical-looking men, dressed in formal wear, showed up on the scene. One of them stood bent over with a sketch pad on his back while his companion used a piece of charcoal to produce a visual record of the events unfolding in front of them. By that time I had somehow managed to get my phone out and call the emergency services, but since I could barely hear anything above the chirping, barking, screaming, giggling and scribbling, my phone call didn’t accomplish much. Eventually I succeeded in shaking off my attackers.
I haven’t found the courage to leave my flat ever since. Outside, crows and dogs gather from dusk till dawn. During the day, women frantically pace back and forth beneath my window. I can no longer stand the suspense and I am slowly running out of supplies. Therefore, I’m sure you will forgive me for asking whether there is a way to undo the Axe Effect. If the Effect cannot be reversed immediately, or worse, at all, I would be most grateful if you could support my solitary survival by sending me the following items by registered airmail:
- 25 tins of red kidney beans
- 20 tins of organic whole corn
- 22 packets of dried noodles
- 16 tins of canned tuna (caught in a dolphin-friendly way)
- 2 bottles of sunflower oil
- 5 jars of crunchy peanut butter
- 4 medium-sized jars of sweet pickles
- 35 bags of Burts hand fried potato chips (any flavor will do)
- 15 Innocent smoothies (preferably the ones with carrots in them)
- 2 pints of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey flavored ice cream
- any quantity of stationery items (including envelopes and stamps)
- any amount of Christmas decoration
- 1 electromagnetic metaparticle transmitter (may be shipped separately)
You may send all of the above to the address mentioned at the top.
Thank you very much in advance, and have a merry Christmas.
*** Stay tuned for Unilever’s reaction ***