The Axe Effect

The Axe EffectDear Unilever,

My ears will glow purple every time a pretty woman comes across my path. I absolutely adore women. I love how their hair smells like strawberries, dandelions and newborn butterflies. I delight in the way their eyes flicker about the tiny Bengali grocery store around the corner on gloomy Saturday mornings. Quite unfortunately, if I may say so, I don’t appear to have a way with women. I am terrified to look them in the eyes. Their mere presence makes my palms and toes go all twitchy and sweaty. Did I mention women actually make my ears glow purple? Yes, well, they do. That said, it may come as no surprise to you that I recently ended up resorting to your long-celebrated brand of aerosol body sprays.

Based on what I had heard and read in the media, I was reasonably confident that this so-called “Axe Effect” was going to be the ultimate answer to my particular situation. After six days of extensive research, I decided that the fragrant power of Dark Temptation was most likely to be able to transform me into the irresistible icon of raw masculinity I strove to be and help me conquer my very own Susan Glenn. So off I ran to the nearest drugstore.  Continue reading

Magnum Infinity: Why won’t mine grow back?

Dear Unilever,

I was awfully hungry for ice cream the other night. After a long day of reading second hand comic books and sipping myrtle tea I felt my taste buds deserved a special treat, so I went out and bought one of your renowned icons of shameless gourmandise. I remember the sheer excitement I felt as I stepped outside the store and unwrapped my very own Magnum cleverly code-named Infinity. According to what I had been told, this product was supposed to be an investment for weeks – perhaps even months – to come. Nearly shaking with anticipation I bit the chocolate top off for the first time and closed my eyes.  Continue reading