Cupcake Berlin: Hail to The King, Baby!

cupcake_004Dear Cupcake Berlin,

I have been a devoted and passionate advocate for your baked delicacies for as long as man has walked the face of Earth. Perhaps unsurprisingly so, considering that the scrumptious cupcakes you produce are nearly as beautifully styled as your adorable sales crew. To walk past the pink signboard above your pastry shop on Krossener Straße and not buy anything is a challenge I may never beat no matter how hard I try to resist the call of the cupcake.

That said, I am afraid I have a minor complaint. Being a sucker for anything Oreo related as I am, I have been trying hard to get a taste of your Cookies ‘n’ Cream flavored cupcakes for the last six weeks or so. You might think this should be easy as pie to accomplish but let me tell you, I have never been faced with a more daunting task.  Continue reading

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The Axe Effect

The Axe EffectDear Unilever,

My ears will glow purple every time a pretty woman comes across my path. I absolutely adore women. I love how their hair smells like strawberries, dandelions and newborn butterflies. I delight in the way their eyes flicker about the tiny Bengali grocery store around the corner on gloomy Saturday mornings. Quite unfortunately, if I may say so, I don’t appear to have a way with women. I am terrified to look them in the eyes. Their mere presence makes my palms and toes go all twitchy and sweaty. Did I mention women actually make my ears glow purple? Yes, well, they do. That said, it may come as no surprise to you that I recently ended up resorting to your long-celebrated brand of aerosol body sprays.

Based on what I had heard and read in the media, I was reasonably confident that this so-called “Axe Effect” was going to be the ultimate answer to my particular situation. After six days of extensive research, I decided that the fragrant power of Dark Temptation was most likely to be able to transform me into the irresistible icon of raw masculinity I strove to be and help me conquer my very own Susan Glenn. So off I ran to the nearest drugstore.  Continue reading

Dear CIA – What’s going on?

 

Dear Central Intelligence Agency,

My late great-great-grandmother’s uncle Meredith once told me that a secret shared is a secret no more. Given the sensitivity of the information I am about to disclose I trust you will do everything in your power to prove him wrong in this instance.

In the course of last week I was confronted with a sequence of disconcerting events that require your urgent attention. It all started on Tuesday, September 4, at about 07:14 p.m CET as I was heading home on the subway. Sitting opposite me was a pregnant woman in her early 30s carrying a toothpick, a floral patterned lamp shade and an electromagnetic metaparticle transmitter. At that time, of course, I didn’t think much of it and I didn’t even bother to take a picture of the peculiar device. It was only the day after that I came to regret this.  Continue reading

Magnum Infinity: Why won’t mine grow back?

Dear Unilever,

I was awfully hungry for ice cream the other night. After a long day of reading second hand comic books and sipping myrtle tea I felt my taste buds deserved a special treat, so I went out and bought one of your renowned icons of shameless gourmandise. I remember the sheer excitement I felt as I stepped outside the store and unwrapped my very own Magnum cleverly code-named Infinity. According to what I had been told, this product was supposed to be an investment for weeks – perhaps even months – to come. Nearly shaking with anticipation I bit the chocolate top off for the first time and closed my eyes.  Continue reading

Ben & Jerry’s: Chunky Monkey

Dear Ben, Dear Jerry,

I have been a long time fan of your frozen products for the simple reason that I had never tried any of them until yesterday. Now don’t worry, my complaint has nothing to do with the quality of your brand. As a matter of fact, in terms of flavour this Chunky Monkey ice cream of yours is most definitely beyond anything I have ever experienced while conscious. Admittedly, I found the crunchy walnuts and chewy banana shaped chocolate bits to taste rather unearthly at first but I quickly got over that and before long the cup was empty and I sat mesmerised for the next three hours.

Those three hours turned out to be the most turbulent in my life as I am rapidly coming to realise, for when I regained my senses I was confronted with one mystery after another. Continue reading

Dear Managing Directors: a message to my current employer

All obvious references to the identity of the company concerned have been omitted.

Von: Thomas.d.-G. / censored
Datum: 15.06.2012 13:36
Betreff: AW: CENSORED meets Berlin Underground: Information & Sicherheitshinweise / Information & Safety advice


Dear Reader,

For legal reasons we have decided to remove this post. Thank you very much for your understanding.

Best regards,
Thomas

Innocent Drinks

Dear Innocent Drinks,

Allow me to explain how a seemingly innocent smoothie of yours has changed my life in the most incredible way. You may find my account hard to believe, however I feel it is vital that you be aware of what your product has been capable of.

It all started on an unusually hot August evening in 1921. With much of the strawberry-infested European continent in the grip of a scorching heat wave, water scarcity had reached a critical stage nationwide. As I went about picking beans on my neighbour’s vegetable field, my attention was promptly drawn to the top of a bottle protruding from the dry cracked soil. Curious as I was, for an inexplicable reason I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. Instead, struck by a sudden sense of disorientation I got up and ran off.  Continue reading