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Magnum Infinity: Why won’t mine grow back?

Dear Unilever,

I was awfully hungry for ice cream the other night. After a long day of reading second hand comic books and sipping myrtle tea I felt my taste buds deserved a special treat, so I went out and bought one of your renowned icons of shameless gourmandise. I remember the sheer excitement I felt as I stepped outside the store and unwrapped my very own Magnum cleverly code-named Infinity. According to what I had been told, this product was supposed to be an investment for weeks – perhaps even months – to come. Nearly shaking with anticipation I bit the chocolate top off for the first time and closed my eyes.  Continue reading

Ben & Jerry’s: Chunky Monkey

Dear Ben, Dear Jerry,

I have been a long time fan of your frozen products for the simple reason that I had never tried any of them until yesterday. Now don’t worry, my complaint has nothing to do with the quality of your brand. As a matter of fact, in terms of flavour this Chunky Monkey ice cream of yours is most definitely beyond anything I have ever experienced while conscious. Admittedly, I found the crunchy walnuts and chewy banana shaped chocolate bits to taste rather unearthly at first but I quickly got over that and before long the cup was empty and I sat mesmerised for the next three hours.

Those three hours turned out to be the most turbulent in my life as I am rapidly coming to realise, for when I regained my senses I was confronted with one mystery after another. Continue reading

Dear Managing Directors: a message to my current employer

All obvious references to the identity of the company concerned have been omitted.

Von: Thomas.d.-G. / censored
Datum: 15.06.2012 13:36
Betreff: AW: CENSORED meets Berlin Underground: Information & Sicherheitshinweise / Information & Safety advice

Dear Reader,

For legal reasons we have decided to remove this post. Thank you very much for your understanding.

Best regards,

Innocent Drinks

Dear Innocent Drinks,

Allow me to explain how a seemingly innocent smoothie of yours has changed my life in the most incredible way. You may find my account hard to believe, however I feel it is vital that you be aware of what your product has been capable of.

It all started on an unusually hot August evening in 1921. With much of the strawberry-infested European continent in the grip of a scorching heat wave, water scarcity had reached a critical stage nationwide. As I went about picking beans on my neighbour’s vegetable field, my attention was promptly drawn to the top of a bottle protruding from the dry cracked soil. Curious as I was, for an inexplicable reason I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. Instead, struck by a sudden sense of disorientation I got up and ran off.  Continue reading

Ferrero Kinder: Tape Measure

Dear Ferrero,

Our little boy Magnus (aged 6) is a massive fan of your long-celebrated Surprise eggs. Nothing appears to provide such a thrill to him as the bi-weekly ritual of unwrapping a freshly acquired specimen and splitting its chocolate exterior by applying gentle pressure alongside the seam, thus uncovering the precious inner shell. As opposed to myself, he does not care all that much for the edible part, claiming that a product containing hardly any cocoa solids at all should not be classified as chocolate. No, it is the surprises within he craves above all else, and I can see why he is so fond of the toys those eggs come shipped with.

tt073-vLast week, however, Magnus obtained a rather peculiar sort of spring tape measure (Ref. TT073) from his Surprise egg. Continue reading

Burts Potato Chips

Dear Linda, Liz, Scott, Biju, Mike and Richard of Burts Potato Chips Ltd,

I have been a loyal fan of your exceptionally tasty hand fried crisps since August 1873, which I realise is more than a century before you even started producing them. It was the year Prince Edward (an island not a person) joined the Canadian Confederation and the Heineken Brewery was founded in Amsterdam. It was also the year that marked the start of a worldwide economic recession now conveniently referred to as the Long Depression.

Anyway, many years have since passed and I still find myself utterly addicted to your delicious hand fried potato chips, with salt and black pepper being my current favourite. These particular crisps are so deliciously salty and despite my initial scepticism I really dig the added hint of pepper. However, I am afraid I have a complaint. It is my first complaint about your product in just short of a 140 years, which is not bad at all, come to think of it. To me, this only proves that altogether your tiny Devon-based factory has been doing a truly terrific job. Continue reading

Ferrero Kinder: Puzzle

Dear Ferrero,

I have a question about the following item:

Source: Kinder Surprise
Item Reference: DC044

It is quite obvious that the animal on top is a monkey (possibly a squirrel monkey or a chimpanzee). We are slightly “puzzled”, however, about what the other creature is supposed to represent. Judging from the colour, surely it can’t be a panda, now can it? And I certainly don’t know of any type of dog that will climb trees, let alone fall in love with a chimpanzee. Is it a raccoon then? A feline of some sort, perhaps? Our youngest has been enquiring about this since last Saturday and by now we are desperate, finding ourselves unable to quench her thirst for knowledge. We strongly believe it is of vital pedagogic importance that this matter be clarified.  Continue reading