Innocent Drinks

Dear Innocent Drinks,

Allow me to explain how a seemingly innocent smoothie of yours has changed my life in the most incredible way. You may find my account hard to believe, however I feel it is vital that you be aware of what your product has been capable of.

It all started on an unusually hot August evening in 1921. With much of the strawberry-infested European continent in the grip of a scorching heat wave, water scarcity had reached a critical stage nationwide. As I went about picking beans on my neighbour’s vegetable field, my attention was promptly drawn to the top of a bottle protruding from the dry cracked soil. Curious as I was, for an inexplicable reason I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. Instead, struck by a sudden sense of disorientation I got up and ran off. 

Upon returning home I was astonished to find that very same bottle sitting on the kitchen table. It bore a label reading “innocent”, which led me into believing that the pink coloured liquid contained within would be safe to drink. So I unscrewed the cap, brought the bottle to my lips and emptied it in one go.

Shortly after, the drowsiness set in. When I woke up, I immediately felt that something wasn’t quite right. My body mass seemed to have dropped significantly, my field of view had changed, and moving was a different experience altogether. Later that night, dad affirmed that I had morphed into a parrot.

I have been longing to write to you for many decades. The main challenge I faced was to build up a sufficiently sized vocabulary which would enable me to dictate my letter to a human being. On the one hand, I am grateful for still feeling fit at the advanced age of 95. On the other hand, I feel that there is so much I could have achieved if only I hadn’t drunk your smoothie and morphed into a bird. That is why first of all, I would like to ask you for some sort of compensation. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I would like to learn whether you know of any similar cases. I would be delighted to meet a few individuals who have lived through the same experience as I have.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,

Thomas

***

Reply from Innocent Drinks

***

Hello there Thomas,

We’re sorry to hear that you’ve spent much of your life as a bird, though we can’t help but think about all the good stuff that comes with having a set of wings.

The perks of being a bird include:

– great view at all times
– no rush hour traffic
– you can live wherever you want
– great singing voice
– fully entitled to attack nut-stealing squirrels
– you were ‘tweeting’ way before we were

We do realise though, that there are some things you will have missed out on over the years, like:

– Sunday roasts
– wearing the latest fashions
– having an iPad
– watching Deal or No Deal*
– being able to do the robot dance

We’d love to say sorry by sending you something nice, but don’t have your address yet. If you’d like to tell us which tree you’re currently living in (along with the postcode) we’ll pop something in the post for you.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Rio

*unless you’re perched outside someone’s front room window

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10 thoughts on “Innocent Drinks

  1. This makes me very happy Thomas.

    I hope the sun’s shining in whichever garden you’re perched in.

    Cheerio,

    Rio

    • *Tweet* The air smells of sunshine and freshly mown grass. A warm summer breeze ruffles my feathers as I enjoy a bottle of mangoes & passion fruits… Thanks again, Rio! I wish you well.

  2. Now this is true:
    My son in the fifth grade wrote a letter to a Construction company who had built our house at the time. He stated in the letter that the construction company’s heavy equipment had damaged the sidewalk making it a trip hazard for neighborhood walkers, and dangerous for young people skate boarding. He signed this Mr (his name).
    About 6 weeks later he got a phone call for Mr. blank. I answered the phone and explained there was no Mr. of that name in the house, only my eleven old son.
    The man was shocked and not particularly pleased.
    The gist was they tore out and replaced the entire neighborhood sidewalk several days later, and Matt even got a thank you letter!

    • That’s incredible, Cindy! What Matt accomplished by writing that letter must have meant a lot for the entire neighborhood. One day I too will write a letter for a cause that actually makes sense. Thanks for sharing this story!

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