Allow me to explain how a seemingly innocent smoothie of yours has changed my life in the most incredible way. You may find my account hard to believe, however I feel it is vital that you be aware of what your product has been capable of.
It all started on an unusually hot August evening in 1921. With much of the strawberry-infested European continent in the grip of a scorching heat wave, water scarcity had reached a critical stage nationwide. As I went about picking beans on my neighbour’s vegetable field, my attention was promptly drawn to the top of a bottle protruding from the dry cracked soil. Curious as I was, for an inexplicable reason I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. Instead, struck by a sudden sense of disorientation I got up and ran off.
Upon returning home I was astonished to find that very same bottle sitting on the kitchen table. It bore a label reading “innocent”, which led me into believing that the pink coloured liquid contained within would be safe to drink. So I unscrewed the cap, brought the bottle to my lips and emptied it in one go.
Shortly after, the drowsiness set in. When I woke up, I immediately felt that something wasn’t quite right. My body mass seemed to have dropped significantly, my field of view had changed, and moving was a different experience altogether. Later that night, dad affirmed that I had morphed into a parrot.
I have been longing to write to you for many decades. The main challenge I faced was to build up a sufficiently sized vocabulary which would enable me to dictate my letter to a human being. On the one hand, I am grateful for still feeling fit at the advanced age of 95. On the other hand, I feel that there is so much I could have achieved if only I hadn’t drunk your smoothie and morphed into a bird. That is why first of all, I would like to ask you for some sort of compensation. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I would like to learn whether you know of any similar cases. I would be delighted to meet a few individuals who have lived through the same experience as I have.
I look forward to your reply.
Reply from Innocent Drinks
Hello there Thomas,
We’re sorry to hear that you’ve spent much of your life as a bird, though we can’t help but think about all the good stuff that comes with having a set of wings.
The perks of being a bird include:
– great view at all times
– no rush hour traffic
– you can live wherever you want
– great singing voice
– fully entitled to attack nut-stealing squirrels
– you were ‘tweeting’ way before we were
We do realise though, that there are some things you will have missed out on over the years, like:
– Sunday roasts
– wearing the latest fashions
– having an iPad
– watching Deal or No Deal*
– being able to do the robot dance
We’d love to say sorry by sending you something nice, but don’t have your address yet. If you’d like to tell us which tree you’re currently living in (along with the postcode) we’ll pop something in the post for you.
Hope to hear from you soon,
*unless you’re perched outside someone’s front room window